I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
