found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
