ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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