I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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