come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
