I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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