anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
