based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
