My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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