Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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