I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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