No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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