I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
