Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
