Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
