I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
