At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
my penis made a compromise with my morals
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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