My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
