gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
