bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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