Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
