I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
