Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We left the knife in your bed.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
