if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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