I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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