I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
