just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
