I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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