i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
