three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
