i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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