dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
