you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
