Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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