Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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