I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
