Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
