i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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