Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
