My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
