so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
