i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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