At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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