She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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