He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
