I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
