I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
