I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
