I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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