I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
