I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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