I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
